Well it's been quite a while since I last posted... yeh quite a while. There have been lots of reasons for this drought all of which are good excuses. Like being tired, laziness, work, entertainment, family, grand kids, snow blowing, watching TV, church... well that last one maybe not... but then again yes.
The biggest excuse though is that I've been preoccupied with turning 60. For the most part I've been thinking about turning 60 for the past year and by doing that... it has played havoc in my head. And... it hasn't been an easy road to travel. Now... I know what your thinking. It's only a number. 60 is the new 40. Your only as old as you feel. Yada... Yada...Yada... I know all these things... but it didn't make me feel any better. In many ways... it made me feel like hearing all the cliche's that you hear at a funeral. So... please I really don't want to hear them.
When I was in my late teens my grandfathers turned 60 and I thought that was old. After-all they had grey hair, a pudgy belly, and sagging skin, and when I looked in the mirror at age 59... well I mirrored this same image and it didn't play well in my mind.
I didn't get this feeling when I turned 50 or even 55, but when I turned 59 it happened and I felt fat, old, out of shape, depressed, and well really old. So... for the past year this picture and video has been playing rerun after rerun in my head. Therefore... that is the biggest reason I haven't blogged or done much posting on this blog. So... wow is me!!!
As I've tried to make sense of all of this I've come to some realization it is a fact of life. We all will grow older. We will all get grey hair and most (the guys anyway) will lose it or at least most of it. And for the most part we will all have pudgy parts about us. So... I have to get over it. Move on... and that has been easier said than done.
In part... the past year has played a role in me getting a bariactic procedure done. Not only did my doctor say if your going to do this... you need to do it before your 60, but I came to the point that I wanted to not only be healthy, but that I didn't want to be fat anymore. Furthermore... I wanted my remaining 30+ years of life (if I live that long) to be healthy active years as best as they could be. But really... having this procedure done was cosmetic in many ways. The stuff about getting old is in my head not my stomach.
As I draw closer to my 60th year I've come to realize my problem or at least my perceived problem was not turning 60, but all the years leading up to my 60th year. You see... I've discovered what has been playing around in my head was all the unrealized dreams I've had that haven't been realized in my life. All of the things I wanted to accomplish but haven't even come close. All of the times I've screwed up, bad decisions, lack of confidence, and just plain shitty things I've done. All of these things have been dancing in and throughout my head over the past year.
Some of these things are real and some are perceived short comings, but nonetheless my past has caused me to pause my life. And at this point... the pause has been about many of the negative elements I've experienced. Now I do realize that there are positive moments that have been real blessings, but the previous year I've just been overwhelmed with the negative and I'm going to own that for now. There is plenty of time to remember and reflect on the positive. Why do I know that... well it's in my genes. While I don't think my parents... at least my dad will make this.. I am planning to live into my 90's. How do I know this... well all four of my grand parents lived into their mid 90's... and I'm a reasonably healthy guy... so I'm going to live that long... I just know it. I'm not necessarily all that happy about it, but that's life... RIGHT!
So... I'm turning 60 and I'll wake up the next day like I always do, put my feet on the floor, make an effort to raise my achy body, and head for the bathroom to get ready for work. And as I ready myself for another day's activities I will be thinking about all the stuff I had hoped to accomplish in my life by this time and then get a brain fart... then say to myself... I can still do this... well maybe for another 5 years as I stare retirement in the face. I wish I was better prepared for that...
There is one thing about turning 60... it does give you a little bit of wisdom. I don't make some of the same mistakes I use to. Kathy doesn't think so... What does she know... she turned 60 last year!
Happy Birthday Dennis
