Life & Death

Over the past couple of weeks life & death has occupied my thoughts more than it has at any other time in my life. You see... my sister is dying. Outside of my grand parents I have not had anyone within my immediate family come this close to the end of life. While I was close to my grand parents their deaths did not affect me as much as my sister's slow spiraling death has. 

As I visit with her at the hospice center the thoughts of how challenging her life has been run through my mind and I pray she doesn't have to endure any more of this life than she has too. She has not had a normal life... if there is such a thing as a normal life. For 53 years she has struggled with a severe form of epilepsy since she was months old and was give a 50/50 chance of living past 10-12 years of age. Well... since I am writing about it tells you she has beaten the odds. We have been blessed to have her with us for 40+ years than we expected. And that has been a great thing.

So... me and my family wait. We watch as the process slowly envelopes her. She is comfortable and peaceful. She continues to have seizures every couple of minutes as her eyes slowly open and her pupils move left then slowly close. You can tell the past two weeks of no food or water are beginning to take a toll on her body. Yet... her heart beats strong, but her breaths are labored and shallow. My mother talks to her and rubs her arm, and my siblings and I take our turns at her bed side, and we wait.

I find myself in a precarious position. I am a pastor and have been with families as their loved ones face what I'm facing, so I find my self in pastor mode, yet deep down I just want to be the older brother. It seems strange to view this from both sides of the thread. Her pastor and others  from her church come by to offer support and to pray for us as a family. That has been nice, but I don't feel pastored. The people of the church I serve have made themselves available to me and that's been nice and I appreciate it very much. But... something feels very different and I can't seem to put my finger on it. Perhaps... the different feelings pastor's feel is unique to pastor's when a member of their immediate family dies and the role they serve is muddied. 

While this is a new experience for me, it has awakened the sense of mortality within me. I'm 57 years old and the people closest to me are leaning closer towards the end of life than the beginning of it, and it's causing me to be introspective more so than other times in life. I suppose this is a natural thing, but.... well... I guess the time has come.

I'm not afraid of death nor the dying process. I believe God has me gathered onto himself and is holding on to me despite me being me. I trust his presence in my life and I'm not worried about what happens after this present life is over. Just as I'm assured of my sister's life with Jesus, I'm assured Jesus will be welcoming me when the time comes. It's just that the transitions are the agonizing part we must walk through.

See You Out on the Road