A New Year

It’s New Years Day… Jan. 1, 2012… my first real blog writing of the New Year. I’m doing this from my daughter’s horse farm. She raises “Gypsy Vanner Horses”. There a small draft horse that gypsy’s used to pull their caravans, wagons. If you want to learn more go to www.willowwindstable.com  so… I’m spending the New Year’s weekend at the farm trying to find some hope for this New Year.

As I mentioned when I created this blog that I am an unemployed pastor nearly six month’s as I write this. I resigned my call back in July. I didn’t challenge this for a couple of reasons. First, I didn’t think it was the thing to do. I didn’t do anything wrong mind-you, but it just didn’t seem like the right thing to do. The other reason was I didn’t want the congregation to go through challenges it would had I decided to fight. I didn’t see this as wanting to win because I don’t think I or anyone would have won. I’ve observed pastors and churches who do challenge each other… both lose and usually both have greater sins because of it.

I chose instead to be above it all. I chose to be about forgiveness and grace. And, I chose forgiveness and grace because it was the right thing to do. As I often share during funerals, the person whose life is celebrated is never perfect. They are at times in their lives not the best son or daughter, not the best husband or wife, not the best father or mother, or the best sister or brother, or even the best worker or friend. Yet… God still invites them to the table of grace. When you boil it down… I’ve tried to live my pastoral ministry thru the lenses of forgiveness and grace. I’ve tried to live my life as an invited guest to the table.

I am getting more and more anxious these days however. My last two installments of severance will come in the next few weeks, and then I will be without any income. I’ve sent out some 50 resumes and have had only one interview. My emotions are running quite high at the moment. Thoughts of God seemingly abandoning me are running ramped. I’m trying to believe that God didn’t get it wrong. That God has a purpose for all of this… I’m not sure what this would be… but it would be nice if God acted … like NOW!!! I don’t need more clichés … I need a job!!

I watched the movie “Secretariat” on DVD today. I saw it at the theater when it first came out and thought it was a good movie back then. Today, I watched differently. Today it was more than the underdog proving he could win. Today, I saw this movie as one who preservers through seemingly insurmountable odds. I know first-hand how one demonstrates this through my own life experiences and by my internship pastors experience I observed while on internship. The part that stood out for me in this movie was when Penny, Secretariat’s owner who was under pressure to give up her dying fathers farm said, “I’m going to see this horse run, and we’re going to rejoice every day.” Life is really mostly about persevering. I’ve preached on this topic several times. I know about all this, yet I’ve struggled with this over the past few weeks.

This is not what I expected my life to be like at this point. I’m 55 years old and I have really nothing to show for it. Over the next 2-3 months I will use up all my savings from 401-K’s, and on the surface anyway, the church or anyone really doesn’t seem to care (that’s the pity party of my story today). While I’m not really angry at the former congregation, I’m kind of angry at the church over-all. Most every church that I talk to or have interviewed at has said they want to be different. They want to change so they can make a difference in their community. They all say they want to be open to seeing more young people come, yet when the rubber meets the road… when change comes, they often baulk. Most people in congregations like this I believe want change to come, but as it often happens, a handful to a few who call the shots don’t want the necessary change to take place. So, the church often loses. The church stops and the kingdom of God isn’t expanded.

Yes… as you may have guessed or as some of you know… I am not a typical Lutheran pastor. I am more concerned with growing disciples and God’s kingdom than I am with taking care of those who just inhabit the pews. I am more interested in those who visit the church than I am with those who are already there. Not because those already in the pews are bad or unimportant, they already have God, but that those who are on the outside are looking for the face of Jesus, and I just believe that God has called me to be that face to those who visit. This is why I’m not your typical Lutheran pastor. If this prevents me from receiving another call to serve… well… I guess it does and the church loses. And, that to me is a great sin and makes me angry at the church. After-all… we are all called to grow and disciple one another in the faith. Taking care of people is all our calls of the faithful, not only the pastors.

However, despite my anger at the tribe I am part of, I forgive them and I give grace. I hope they can of me as well. This should be all about seeing the horse run, and rejoicing every day.

See you out on the road.